Kevin (destined2dream) wrote in nonuglynydyke,

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Laughing So Hard, It Hurts...

Despite my current status at Mount Holyoke, I've spent the majority of this past month with friends on campus. I received a written warning for running a red light the first time I was visiting because Bird was being an annoying little back seat driver. She warned me of a cop, so I slowed down and looked around. "That's not a cop, that's a Jeep," I said. "No, that's a cop..." By the time I saw the cop, it was too late. I had run a red and his lights were flashing. I pulled over and gave him my license and registration. He was going to give me a ticket, but luckily a fight broke out at the pizza place across the street, so he went easy on me.

Before I tell you about the rest of my month, I should probably tell you that last night I also got a $279 speeding ticket on route 91 in CT. That's about 14 hours of busting my ass as the "pizza guy." Oh well, I'm still laughing.

Since rehab, many people have "confessed their true feelings for me." I realize I am a completely different person than I was a few months ago, but I don't understand why anyone would want to be with me right now. I still have so much to work through. I'm extremely flattered by all the love and affection that has been thrown my way, but I am also a bit uncomfortable. With the exception of one individual, my feelings for them don't match up. I don't like turning people down or hurting them by letting them know I'm not attracted to them, so I am not always very truthful in response to their emotions. I feel I have hurt some people this past month by leading them on for too long. One person in particular comes to mind. Sara, I feel horrible. You are such a great friend. You are one of the nicest, funniest, smartest people I've ever met, and I should have been more honest with you about my current situation and to whom my heart belongs. I know we patched things up this past week, but I feel like such an asshole. I hope you can forgive me.

I got a phone call from my friend Kay, whom I met in rehab. She filled me in on a few details Mary Ellen forgot to include in her explanation of why she got kicked out of treatment. It seems I wasn't the only one she was fooling around with at BFC. After I left she started having sex with several men at RDT. I don't care that she fooled around with other people, but it kind of sucked being lied to. To all those I have lied to in the past, I am sorry. Whether I lied to your face or lied through omission, it was disrespectful and unfair of me.

This past month has been so much fun!!! Dances, parties, hosting prospies, taking my relationship with Amy to the next level, skinny-dipping, reconnecting with Katie, Alexis, and Miranda, guest speaking, getting close to Marty, Maggie, Casey, Sara and Amy-Kate, kicking Kelly's ass in racquetball, ice skating, chillin' with Lu, getting my eyebrow pierced, ordering things in the mail (i.e. a violin, recovery ring, credit card, etc.), studying with friends, etc.

Some people need so much help. I cut off my ex after I realized she hadn't changed one bit while I was at rehab. She's too blind to see that she is everything she accuses me of being... co-dependent, manipulative, slutty, addicted, etc. I was just a source of entertainment for her and my mistakes and weaknesses were the bond keeping her and her roommate on good terms. You would think people who have been through some of the same stuff as you would be more understanding and supportive than those who have never experienced any any of that shit, but that's not true. I guess it hits a little too close to home, so they compare and judge.

Rebecca had to put me down to feel better about herself. She thought she was making herself look good, but, in fact, she was losing friends. The more she talked about being over me, the less meaning it had. Others began to feel that the opposite was true and that she was just trying to tell herself she was one thing until she actually became it. I noticed this quality in her when we were going out. I noticed a lot of defense mechanisms and flaws, but I loved her with all I had until there was nothing more to give and I couldn't take it anymore. I was dying inside. I felt trapped, suffocated. The reason I relapsed in the first place was to manipulate her into leaving me alone. I couldn't take her games any longer and just wanted to move on. I knew I couldn't do it on my own, so I tried to make her hate my guts. It backfired and I couldn't resist a relationship with her. Needless to say, after cutting off all my closest friends, she became the main focus of my life. I became very co-dependent and slipped into depression.

I'm happier now than I've ever been. Caryn and Rebecca can say whatever they want about me. They can call me Scary Caitlin, Enlarged Cracktus, Large Cantelope, THE Crackwhore, etc., but it just goes to show they are still very immature. I'm obviously renting space in their heads and that sucks for them. All I can do is laugh because they look so fuckin' dumb right now. Rebecca will continue to have relationship problems unless she changes her expectations and actions. Caryn is just all around fucked up. There's no hope in saving her now. People came up to me and told me about the things they had been writing on their door. I didn't really care, but Amy was offended by the things they were writing, so she wrote them a note kindly asking them to take it down because it affects the whole hall and it's very immature and disrespectful. I guess they thought I wrote the note, because they put up an e-mail from me, a poem about crack, a note about it being their room and their door, a note about me being a fool martyr and another note about me bringing my addiction and dealer to their hall and them being forced to lock their door. That is so sad. They are oblivious to the drug scene on campus and misinformed about the actual events which occurred on Las Vegas Night. The dealer was already outside of Prospect. He never came inside. I did not prostitute myself. Crack is a party drug on campus and people are doing it under their very noses. I will have seven months of sobriety in a week and they just got written up for throwing a huge drinking party.

I was still struggling with my feelings about them this past month and badmouthed them a bit to a few friends who brought up my relationship with Rebecca and some of the stuff she's been saying about me. I went against a promise I made to her not to show anyone pictures of her in a bra and a strap-on, with her ass showing. I feel bad about doing that and am disappointed in myself for letting Caryn and Rebecca get to me enough to stoop that low, but I don't owe anyone any apologies. Rebecca sent me an e-mail with the most insincere apology in it. All I could say to that was "ok." She worded it in such a way that made it look like she was taking blame for her actions, but she was actually blaming me and trying to say that I made her do the things she did. What a load of bull. She's made so many promises to me and has broken just about all of them. I don't owe her a damn thing. Until she grows up, and probably even then... I want nothing to do with her. I have moved on and she should do the same. STOP TALKING ABOUT MOVING ON AND ACTUALLY DO IT... BECAUSE THE BEST WAY TO SHOW THAT YOU'RE OVER ME IS TO HAVE NO REACTION TO ME... MY PAST, OUR ONCE RELATIONSHIP, AND MY PRESENCE AT MOUNT HOLYOKE BECAUSE I WILL BE BACK SOMETIME NEXT YEAR AND YOU NEED TO LEARN TO DEAL.

Amy, I love you with all my heart. I can't wait to visit you in July. We are going to have a blast freaking your friends out at parties and touring Michigan. I will show you a side of Kalamazoo you've probably never seen before. I haven't been there, but I want to go to "The Zoo"... gay bar Janet was talking about in Michigan. You should come with me! Oh, and by the way, I really think you should really stop moaning my name in your sleep because that's going to get you in trouble with your parents. You're going to have some explaining to do if your mom ever hears that shit. LOL!!! Let me know if you find yourself coming out at all this Summer. If I had to experience Jeff rubbing his head on my thighs, I think I would become a lesbian too. Oh, wait, I already am one...
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